Well, well, well three holes in the ground. It looks like my work with the South Dragons has officially come to an end. I have worked tirelessly behind the scenes as a consultant thingamajig to Shane Heal, who I must say has impressed me with his willingness to listen to the ‘stuff’ I say and watch carefully as I demonstrate various on court moves to enhance his game and many other players on the team. You may have noticed as a fan that Shane or ‘Hammo’, as I call him, has been shooting the ‘three’ a lot this year…well without bragging I taught him how to do that. I mean he could do it but like only one in every two shots would go in. After I displayed my talent in hitting four of fifty or roughly 45% of my shots he said, and I quote, “ I don’t need you to work with me’ which when translated out of basketball slang and into the Queens English means ‘I recognize your mad skillz pleaz skool me bro’’. I was only too happy to help but felt I could help other players as well.

I had Rosell Ellis and Jacob Holmes both ingest small parts of an old pogo stick and vacuum cleaner that I found in the weekly hard rubbish collection on King Island with the results being obvious; both players are able to control the boards on any given night. Whilst such a coaching decision may appear unusual or risky it truly wasn’t as I myself was made to eat many alternative products as a child on King Island with the only detrimental effect being a slightly irritating voice for a period after I ate a rusty cheese grater.

Two players that I really enjoyed developing were Adam Quick and Joe Ingles. With Adam it was simply a matter of toning his bi-ceps which were somewhat lacking before I got to him. Four weeks however of the Warren Bromo brick program and Adam was proudly sporting guns that had to be registered, by law, in every Australian state and territory. Joe on the other hand was not such an easy fix. Poor Joe couldn’t wait…please don’t tell anyone this as I don’t want to embarrass Joe…poor Joe couldn’t style his own hair. Now you don’t have to be Einstein to know that my hair cut, with the business in the front and party out the back, works both on and off the court, if you know what I mean? Joe was desperate to be like me but initially wanted to wear a headband to which I said no then he wanted hard rock gelled green hair and again I said no. Finally he agreed that once I had left for good he would model his do on mine. He is such a respectful kid like that.

The last player I saw before I left was Frank Drmic who I walked with barefoot on the sands of Port Melbourne whilst I waited for the captain of the Spirit of Tasmania to decide whether I was allowed on board or not. It was emotional and special; something I will never forget. Thanks Frank you are my pillar of strength. Thus with tears in my eyes and thoughts of Frank throwing down a wild tomahawk jam I say goodbye forever and may your balls be forever full of air.